Written this morning in work "Jesus II - Payback Time!"

VO
Two thousand years ago the world was changed forever when our lord God sent his only son to Earth to die for our sins. Jesus Christ, the Prince of Peace sacrificed himself so that we, the filthy sinners of the world, could be forgiven for all time. Since then many bad and evil things have happened, World Wars, Plagues, The Spice Girls, Terrorism. Looking around the world today you could be forgiven for thinking that the Dark Lord Satan has won the war for Earth’s soul, but you would be wrong. It’s not a question of if Jesus is coming back; it’s just a question of when. It’s not a question of why Jesus takes all Satan’s evil, it’s a question of just how much he can take, and what will it be that pushes Jesus over the edge of heaven and back down to Earth.

EXT – The United Nations Building in New York City-New York, it is a busy and baking hot day in New York. SAIED, a confident and good looking looking young Arab man walks towards the building carrying a rucksack, you can tell he’s an Arab because he’s wearing a turban, has a long beard and robes and is continually muttering “Allah U Ackbar” in an Oxford accent under his breath every couple of seconds. He meets another obviously Arabic man with a massive beard in front of the fountain JAFFAR who is holding a briefcase

SAIED
Greetings Jaffar, is it not a fine day to bring the fiery wrath of god to the infidels?

JAFFAR
Indeed Saied, today the whole world shall know that there is but one god and Allah is his name.

SAIED
Is everything in place?

JAFFAR
It is brother.

SAIED
So, sha..

His is interrupted by a man dressed in a shirt and tie wearing a badge that identifies him as a Mormon

MORMON [Loud and friendly]
Hello there gentlemen, my name is Elder Johnson from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints! Have you heard the good work about Jesus Christ?

SAIED [Maliciously]
Hey, why don’t you go fuck yourself?


MORMON
Well, there’s no need for that, I’m just trying to save your eternal souls.

JAFFAR
Well go save somewhere else you diseased patch of camel urine!

The MORMON walks away, shaking his head, he immediately accosts a pair of suited types with the same schpiel as they pass by.

SAIED
God, I hate the fucking Mormons.

JAFFAR
Yeah, the fucking bastards they’re always calling to the apartment during dinner, really pisses my second wife off. If it was up to me they’d all roast in fiery pits for eternity.

SAIED
Anyway, shall we do this thing?

JAFFAR
Indeed. Let’s get our bomb on.

SAIED and JAFFAR walk towards the back of the building.
CUT to EXT an unguarded service entrance where a shuttered grate has been left open to allow a nearby truck to unload it’s cargo of coffee beans and fresh tomatoes. They sidle up the truck, grab sacks and enter the building unnoticed amongst the workers.

Cut To INT Security office – A security camera screen clearly shows the two men entering the building, but MOHAMMAD THE SECURITY GUARD at the desk is also of Arabic extraction, you can tell this because he is wearing full Arabic robes, a turban has a long black beard and a little badge that says
“Security – Mohommad Smith”

SECURITY GUARD [Whispering to himself]
Allah U Akbar Saied! Allah U Ackbar Jaffar!

CUT TO INT Un Building – SAEID and JAFFAR are standing amongst a tour group consisting of an OLD MAN FROM TEXAS, a few young people and a group of small Catholic school children including a cute little blond girl called JENNY who are being chaperoned by FATHER MCGETTIGAN, an old Irish priest who looks as if he might have a drinking problem. The attractive female TOUR GUIDE is standing by to lead them through different areas of interest.

TOUR GUIDE
Now, if you’d like to move along, we’ll start the tour.

JENNY
Father?


FATHER MCGETTIGAN
Yes Jenny?

JENNY
Billy Batson just asked me if he could touch my heiny but I said no cause Jesus says heiny touching before marriage is evil.

FATHER MCGETTIGAN [shouting]
Indeed it is. Well Jenny, if that’s that case don’t you worry because then Billy is going STRAIGHT TO HELL!! Aren’t you Billy? Where you will be forced to eat liquid hot lava for all of time and burn in everlasting turmoil and torment, right Billy?

BILLY [Quietly, looking like he’s about to cry]
Yes father.

FATHER MCGETTIGAN [Shouting]
That’s right, now all of you little bloodsucking cretins, come on! There’re millions of starving black babies right now in Africa who aren’t as lucky as ye who are getting to swan about on school trips to the United Nation s Building!

The tour Group begins to walk through the building

TOUR GUIDE
The United Nations headquarters building was constructed in New York City in 1949 and 1950 beside the East River on land purchased by an 8.5 million dollar donation from John D. Rockefeller, Jr. The building, which consists of

Whilst the speech is going on, JAFFAR is reaching into his briefcase and subtly assembling a submachine gun under his robes. The gun is completed as they reach a small room with only one entrance which has a number of posters that are relevant to the building’s history. He looks over at SAIED and nods, as soon as SAIED nods back JAFFAR grabs the TOUR GUIDE and points the fully assembled MP5 Hechler and Koch at her head. SAIED pulls out a massive Mini-Gun that he had secreted under his voluminous robes and points it directly at the children

JAFFAR
No body fucking move!

The room erupts, all the children are going crazy and trying to run away. The TOUR GUIDE is going absolutely hysterical. JAFFAR and SAIED are trying to keep the whole group together by pushing them together and screaming mindlessly in Arabic but somehow JENNY manages to break away and make a run for the door, she is about to make it when suddenly MOHAMMED THE SECURITY GUARD appears in the door with what looks like a Scud missile launcher.

MOHAMMED THE SECURITY GUARD
And where do you think you are you going little girl?

JENNY
AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

MOHAMMED THE SECURITY GUARD pushes JENNY back into the room and closes the door behind him, locking it with a key from his belt. He walks towards the still crazy crowd.

MOHAMMED THE SECURITY GUARD [Screaming]
Shut up!!

MOHAMMED THE SECURITY GUARD points the Scud launcher at JENNY and the room quietens down. Once they are calm, SAIED pushes Jenny back into the crowd

MOHAMMED THE SECURITY GUARD
Having trouble Saied?

SAIED
Don’t give me any of that backtalk! Is everything on schedule?

MOHAMMED THE SECURITY GUARD
Yes, Thank Allah for equal opportunity employers. Stupid Christians won’t know what hit them. By now videotapes have been given to all the major news networks explaining what we do here today.

JAFFAR
Shall I set the explosives?

SAIED
Yes Jaffar.

JAFFAR pushes the petrified TOUR GUIDE back into the mass of people and walks over to a certain wall, pulls off the posters and opens his briefcase which is full of explosives, he begins setting them up. Meanwhil,the OLD MAN FROM TEXAS and FATHER MCGETTIGAN are having a heated whispered debate.

OLD MAN FROM TEXAS [Whispering]
I’m telling you father, I’m not going out without a fight.

FATHER MCGETTIGAN [Whispering]
But what can you do?

OLD MAN FROM TEXAS [Whispering]
I can take them down.

OLD MAN FROM TEXAS surreptitiously pulls out a small knife from his boot and puts it up his sleeve.

OLD MAN FROM TEXAS [Whispering]
I’m a cop. I know what to do.

FATHER MCGETTIGAN [Whispering]
But there are three of them, they might hurt the children!

OLD MAN FROM TEXAS [Whispering]
I can get them.

SAIED [SHOUTING]
You two! Come here!

OLD MAN FROM TEXAS and FATHER MCGETTIGAN look at each other and then walk out.

SAIED
You were talking?

FATHER MCGETTIGAN
No

SAIED
It wasn’t a question.

SAIED shoots OLD MAN FROM TEXAS in the face, he falls back and hits the ground, everyone screams.

SAIED
No talking.

CUT TO – EXT An infinite cloud of purest white, in the middle there is a hole through which the hostage room can be seen. As OLD MAN FROM TEXAS is shot a beautiful, soft and gentle voice can be heard to say

VO
NO!

CUT TO – INT Hostage room – SAIED is now pointing his gun at FATHER MCGETTTIGAN, the room is in pandemonium.

SAIED [Shouting]
SHUT UP!!

The room quietens down.

SAIED
You [points at FATHER MCGETTIGAN] you are a Christian priest yes?

FATHER MCGETTIGAN
I am.

SAIED
And what do you think of what we are doing?

FATHER MCGETTIGAN
I think it is an abomination before God.

SAIED [laughing]
That is very funny, because I think it is God’s Will and since there is no God but Allah, surely you are wrong?

FATHER MCGETTIGAN
There is one true God and Jesus Christ was his son.

SAIED
Well, that’s a good point, I too am a priest and since I represent the Will of God if I were to say, shoot this girl here in the head to teach you not to talk, what would you say?

SAIED points his mini-gun at JENNY who cowers in fear. SAID starts the barrel of his gun spinning. JAFFAR and MOHAMMAD THE SECURITY GUARD look on with sniggering laughter.

CUT TO – EXT An infinite cloud of purest white

VO [very strongly]
NO! This is it, I can watch no longer my children suffer, now is the time for action!

CUT TO – INT Hostage room,

SAIED [Shouting]
You! [pointing at Jenny] Come here!

FATHER MCGETTIGAN [Shouting]
No Jenny! You stay there!

SAIED
Talking again? Maybe this will teach you.

SAIED begins to fire at Jenny and into the crowd of children, he laughs maniacally as the mini-gun blazes away, the small room quickly fills with smoke from the gun’s cordite until the children are obscured. Screams are heard under the whine of the gun’s motor. Eventually SAIED stops firing, but keeps laughing. FATHER MCGETTIGAN falls to his knees in abject despair, crying and sobbing. SAIED’s face is maniacal as he turns to FATHER MCGETTIGAN and starts the gun spinning again.

SAIED
The lesson is over.

Suddenly, magically, the room clears of smoke and the children are revealed to all be standing there, not knowing what has happened. On the ground about three feet in front of them there are thousands of bullets and there is also a man with long brown hair and a short brown beard. He is wearing a pure white robe.

JESUS CHRIST
No, the lesson is just beginning.

SAIED is absolutely shocked, JAFFAR and MOHAMMAD THE SECURITY GUARD are lying dead on the ground. FATHER MCGETTIGAN looks up at SAIED and smiles. JESUS CHRIST waves and SAIED is suddenly totally frozen in a stance of absoulte terror, only his eyes are moving.

JESUS CHRIST
Enjoy the eternally tormenting lava, tell Satan I’ll see him soon.

JESUS CHRIST waves his hand again and SAIED bursts into flames, he writhes in agony as the flames consume his body. Eventually he stops moving and the ashes turn into a disgusting blood coloured goo, as do the bodies of JAFFAR and MOHAMMAD THE SECURITY GUARD

FATHER MCGETTIGAN
My Lord? You’re back?

JESUS CHRIST
Yes I’m back, and now it’s Payback time.