Previously on Rory’s Blog.

Cut to Chad and Rory backstage, Rory is lying on the ground in a puddle of vomit.

Chad
Hey Rory, you’ve changed man! It used to be just about the music! Now you spend all your time hanging around with all your new friends, drinking and partying, me and the guys hardly never see you no more

Rory [Shouting whilst Drunkenly waving around a half drunken bottle of Jack Daniels]
Get off my back you fucking albatross! Every time I achieve something, you fuckers are there to claim that you did it, that it was al about you and that I was just there at the time, doing fucking nothing. That’s it! I’m fucking leaving this shitty band and going solo!

Cut to Rory and Emma, sitting at the dinner with her parents, the room is silent, there is vomit on the table.

Rory [Shouting whilst Drunkenly waving around a half drunken bottle of Jack Daniels]
Listen, all I’m saying is that I’m too much man to just get it on with one woman, I’m an international Rockstar in China for God’s sake, what do you expect? Over there I’ma God!! Men, Women, Children, some animals that are capable of such emotions such as dogs, cats and maybe dolphins, they all fucking love me! Your daughter should be appreciative that I’m not fucking bored with her already.

Christopher [silently]
Get the hell out of my house.

Cut to Rory and Emma standing outside the Syke’s building,

Emma [Crying]
But you said you loved me!

Rory [Shouting whilst Drunkenly around waving a half drunken bottle of Jack Daniels]
I said a lot of things.

Cut to Rory driving a pimped out super tricked speed boat out of Hong Kong harbour to sea, his long hair is blowing in the wind, a Coastguard boat is following him.

CoastGuard [Through Loadspeaker]
Rory! Don't throw your life away! Turn back immediately! You’re heading into Tsuen Fan Wu: Dead Man’s Bay! There are underwater reefs! You'll be killed!

Rory [Shouting whilst Drunkenly waving around a half drunken bottle of Jack Daniels]
Fuck you you motherfucking bastards! You all make me sick! You all want a piece of me, everyone wants a piece of Rory, Well, you know what? You’re not fucking getting it! Fuck You!!!!

Cut to shot of boat hitting a reef, there’s a large explosion, Cut to shot of bottle of Jack Daniels falling underwater.

VO
AND NOW, THE CONTINUATION OF RORY’S BLOG

Lazy is Beautiful!

Today, I spent some time perusing the work of the good people at www.goodplasticsurgery.com

This is basically a site that rates the plastic surgery that celebrities get done, showing before and after pics of everybody's favorite American sweethearts. What I find interesting about this is not the fact that someone is interested enough in this phenomenon that they'll actually spend some serious time posting hundreds of thousands of lines about Hilary Duff's new veneers, I was well aware that people were that pathetic, it's actually the sheer number of well known celebrities that have had plastic surgery, a long and painful process that's pretty much just a form of self-mutilation when you think about it.

Now I know this is hardly big news. We've all heard about this for quite some time,I could go as far as to say that I knew this already, everyone doed. But I knew it in that passive "no-one I know well has ever gotten plastic surgery simply to look better" kind of way. I think this site really hammered it home, people get this shit done for no other reason then 'cause they don't like aspects of how they look. It's funny, you hear about people getting plastic in a kind of "reading one of your mother's Cosmopolitans in the toilet" kind of way and you think "Wow, people are fucked up!" and it adds to your whole "Fairytale Kindom of America" concept, but I have to say I never really realised how truly prevalent it is, like even people who are by any standards already good looking get surgery to make themselves that little bit better.

Besides all the crazy Korean's and Brazilian maniacs, thousands and thousands of celebrities and celebrity wannabees routinely go under the knife! It's part of their daily routine, their daily life, like my life! It's like going to the dentist for them! It's banal! Like my going to work!
There are people out there who study healing people for ten years to be able to be paid vast amounts of cash to shove pieces of plastic under other people's skin to advance their social structure! It's insane! And then I inevitably thought, would I ever get something tlike that done?

No, no I wouldn't. Not Botox, not a nose job, no face lifts, no breast implants, no nothing. And not because I just think it's fucked up [although I do]I wouldn't because I'm already totally perfect so the question doesn't apply.

I'm one of the lucky few, the elite, those of "natural beauty" for who the concept of looking better is simply a non issue beacue they already look perfect.

So I of all people can understand why people would want to look like me, looking like me is great! People listen more, they're more likely to forgive you or give you another chance when you fuck them over or fail to do something, to lend you money, take your advice and put up with you continually ignore theirs, or even when you've broken a law or cheated on them! People are dumbstruck by physical beauty! Being good looking is the lazy man's answer to everything! Just look at how fucking useless models are! They have no talent, no profession or function in society whatsoever other than to wear clothes and walk! And people idolise them! Cause they're useless!
Jessica Simpson? Paris Hilton? FUCKING USELESS!!!!

So, yeah, if plastic surgery is for lazy people then the laziest person in the world would ergo be the most beautiful! I know what you're thinking, I thought it too. This means that Rudhraigh McGrath is the most beautiful man alive!

I'm so lazy I won't ever need to consider getting plastic surgery because getting plastic surgery is a real fucking hassle and I'm far too lazy to actually do it, so ergo I must be the most beautiful!QED!! I'm so lazy that I can't be fucked getting plastic surgery but at the same time I also don't need plastic surgery because I'm the most beautiful!

I AM A GOLDEN GOD!!! I AM THE MOST BEAUTIFUL, FLAWLESS BEING IN THE UNIVERE!!!! I AM BEYOND ENTROPY!!!!

Well..actually....now that I think about it, maybe a small chin implant, just to look more like The Hoff you understand.

"Nite of Champions"

DSCN0989
Originally uploaded by Rudhraigh.

So, last Friday, no....wait.....this story begins before then.....I
have to go back further.....back, to whan it all began.


The year is 25,000 BC, man is but a distant and beautiful dream, a
mere speck in the eye of God, the universe's postman. Earth is busily
waiting for her husband to go out to work so that she and the Almighty Postie can get biiisaaaay. Soon, according to Stanley Kubrick, primitive apes are
learning to hit stuff with stuff, changing everything forever.
"Ape shall not kill Ape" was the refrain up until this point, but one
Ape wasn't listening, he was starting a series of events that would
lead to a Friday night 27,005 years later where I, and three of my
friends, watched Muay Thai Kickboxers knock several differing
varieties of shite our of each other. It was worth the wait.

I have to say, you watch the early Van Damme movies like "BloodSport" and apparently if you're any kind of man you think "That's so cool! I
love Blood! I love Sport! Ergo I must love BloodSport!" Now I loved
those movies, but blood makes me feel queesy and I feel that sport is
for people who don't know how to sit down, so I have to say, when I saw the poster for the event whilst dinnering in a crappy litle Thai restaurant, I was conflicted. On one hand I could watch some guys fightingm real hardcore and have fun, on the other I could get my fork and jam it into my leg. After careful consideration I decided to do both, so I limped to the fight with Ben, Bryan, Gordon and Tom, all of whom you probably don't know because

A] The internet is a big place
B] The world is a big place
C] Muay Thai is cool
D] That's it, Muay Thai is cool.
E] I realise I was talking about
something else, but what's much more
important is that Muay Thai is cool.

So anyway, we turn up and outside the stadium to see this crazy looking Belgian guy in a black suit. Bryan does Muay Thai Kickboxing as he's in the CIA {not really] and he knew this guy to be one of the big Kickboxing trainers in Hong Kong. The most hardcore trainer, the one that makes you crap blood for a week after a training session. Apparently he is what Jean Claude would have been if he hadn't quite made it, or alternatively he is what Jean Claude is on his way to becoming, now that his career is effectively over. He was hilarious, he had this real "Kick the shit out of you" stagger, even thought he was surrounded by some of the dodgiest looking bodyguards ever. He had an almost comical arrogance about himself. He's the type of guy that you'd kinda like to meet, have him give you crap and then casually shoot in the leg with a Glock like that sword guy Indiana Jones shot because he had dysentry, just cause you want to see him realise that Muay Thai is only really effective in a meter radius. What made it even funnier was that there was this other trainer, from the PRC, a little Chinese guy who was dressed in an entirely white linen suit. He was like the little guy in the white suit from that episode of the Simpsons with the Triads. They both kept chatting all night, I bet the Chinese Guy's name was something like "General Chang"

Anyway, once we were in the stadium it got underweigh, a hilariously tacky and drunken announcer in a sparkly jacket, unnattractive ring girls of indeterminate sex, thousands of screaming Chinese and Gweilos, including a troop of Hell's Angels, and I think there was some fighting.

Actaully, the fighting was pretty ridiculously hardcore. If you've never seen someone repeatedly bash their elbow across someone's else's face, I sincerely reccommend that you do. How you react is one of those "getting to know yourself" kind of life experiences.
There were seven fights, the whole thing lasted from 7:30 till midnight and as soon as we got there we realised we had made a tactical error, they didn't sell beer to the cheap seats. This was a real pain in the ass, until we realised that Gordon was still to come, so we got him to stop at one of Hong Kong's illustrious, omnipresent 7-11's where you can buy loads and loads of massive bottles of San Migueal for about a Euro each in order to rectify this situation. Now let me say something, there are many things in life that alcohol makes worse, vomiting, walking, working, not laughing, not losing your temper, shuouting, but one of the things it definitely does improve, is watching Muay Thai Boxing.

Once we were a couple of beers to the bad, it wasn't entertainment, it was war! It was pugilism! When The Chinese guy fought the Hong Kong dude, I swear to God I wanted somemone to die. Watching this stuff, with the doctors on standby and the mob mentality and the beer and the betting [I won lots, lost it and then won it again, paying nicely for my beer for the eveing] you really don't think it's that fucked up when a guy savagely knees another guy in the face. You just don't, the knee in the face is really just part of the ambience. Like drapes.

Anyway, there was a huge attempt to represent the nationalities, Australians, Japanese, Thai, French, even a fucking massive British guy who was knocked out in ten sceonds by this fat Chinese dude. I have video of us all on our seats screaming "Fatty! Kuma-tae! Fatty Kuma-Tae!" That's how drunk I was..

I got a picture, as you can see, with this guy who is the most Russian looking guy I've ever seen, but for some reason came into the ring wearing a leapordskin Turban, which was actually pretty cool. He proceeded to savage his opponent massively, splitting his lip inside five seconds with a wicked kick and knocking out inside a minute. All the fighter's had names like "Carnage" and "The Tatooed Frenchman" whcih further added to the overall level of taste and discretion.
As a professional copywrighter, I have to say that the fighter's bio in the Programme that they gave you was truly a piece of art. Apparently they all trained with the legends of Muay Thai in the mountains of Thailand, even the guy who was apparently a Shoaolin Monk, but looked like some piss scared guy they brought in off the street. He came in and, I swear to God, asked the announcer what the rules were. I didn't know what to think, I'm sure he recovered. At least I hope he did, he looked pretty dead.

I realise that this is a somewhat fractured account of the evening, but you have to understand, I was very, very drunk. After it was over, we went to this Fashion Launch Party [oo ee]where Ben and I got absolutely trashed and spent the evening trying to convinve the security that we were reporters that had an interview scheduled with Christian Dior, even though he wasn't there. This, as you might have guessed, was a lie.

Later, when I was too drunk to stand around drinking any longer, I left Emma, Ben and Lauren to the party and I got a taxi home. After about ten seconds in the cab, I realsied I was going to be sick, racked my brains to try and remember how to say stop, said my Address, "Hello", "Bye Bye", "Are You"and then finally "Left Here Please!". He didn't understand, so I had to mime vomiting, he suddenly understood, pulled over, I open the door, fountain Champagne heavy vomit [I stared getting full Champagne flutes from the barman and putting them into pint glasses, and I hate champagne] out of the door a couple of times, then finally, I close the door and we drive off. On the way home, the tai guy was on the radio with all his mates, miming vomit, looking at me semi-comatose in the back and laughing at the fucked up Gweilo in the back.

I have to say, I'm really looking forward to next Friday..

Punished.

So yeah, due to overwhelming pressure from my adoring public [Gaz] I thought I'd post this hilarious tale of hilarity.
Okay, well basically, China, as you might know, produces a fair old whack of pirated DVD's. It's a bit of an industry, perhaps you've heard about it? They burn them in the millions and you can pick up dodgy videocamera versions or DVD rips from Oscar Screeners a couple of days after a movie comes out in the cinema. They're of varying quality but they're all ridiculously cheap so you end up buying a lot of shit you would never consider getting in the first place. The last time we went into China for example, Lachlan returned with a copy of "The Aviator" amongst other things, "Aliens vs Predator" and a genius copy of "The Punisher"

Now the funny thing about these DVD's are that they all come in pretty snazzy looking covers, most of which are made up by the guys who rip the DVD's, none of whom speak English. Sadly the above cover is of the above the board version, so no hilarity. But anyway, most of the time they write something in Chinese and then just load it into a translation program with hilarious results. So you read the back of "The Aviator" and it says "Good Luck man never speak French with his Mistresses Wife fanciful looks of death. Who can contain his lustful spirt for the life that he was wanting? Never, since the time of legends, has a French gate loved to live so much but till tomorrow, who knows?"

Other times they just copy another DVD's blurb wholesale or just Google the name of the movie looking for critic's quotes and stick that in. This can be pretty hilarious when the critic is saying something negative about the movie, but I digress. Also for some reason almost every cast list on the back of every DVD in China comes from Disney's "The Kid" with Bruce Willis.
I don't know why this is, maybe the Chinese just really love that movie. Makes sense though, you really would have to have no understanding of English to think it was good.

So anyway, we had gone through of the crappy DVD's, each one was accompanied by the collective ritual mocking of the blurb on the back. Most of them were just mildly funny anachronisms, like watching "Whale Rider" and it saying on the back "A High-Octane Thriller that grips you by the nose and never lets go!!!"
Eventually we got to the Punisher.

It was only then that we realised that this crappy re-make of Dolph Lungren's version on the classic Marvel Comic, that's about killing mob guys and righteous, glorious revenge had printed on the back in large letters:

"A Glorious Study of Homosexual Lust!! - The San Franciso Chronicle"

I have to admit, that was much more entertaining than the movie turned out to be.

Ahh, the nieevatay of youth

http://www.kimyadawson.com/reliefthroughmusic/

The Alphabet

Well, I've been getting flak for my lack of Blogging lately, although the complete absence of comments I get is indicative of the fact that we are all lazy (Other than my mum, love you mum!) so I've made a decision, I'm going to try make this a more daily occurrence, shorter entries but more to the point, and also it's going to be more bloggish in that it's going to be yet another uninformed idiot commenting in a completely superficial manner about the same stuff that everyone else sees on the internet every day because frankly folks, looking at the internet is all I do all day. At the end of all this, I will have developed net-browsing skills beyond the ken of mortal dial-up user.
My erstwhile flatmate and co-A-team watcher David Wall always claimed the internet was his bitch, having had some experience with office life I now realise that he was lying, both to me and to himself. It's actually the other way around. We, in office life, are all the internet's bitches.

And that sweet info crack taste so good!!

But let's not fool ourselves, I've said this before, I may say it again. It's a bit of a case of "No Darling! I love you! I swear I'll never hit you again........now why don't you go on and make me breakfast and we'll forget about all this......PIZZA'S NOT FOR BREAKFAST!!!!"
So, here are the obstacles.

A)Laziness and general malaise.
B)The ghost of periodic busyness at work constantly interrupting my real work, which is doing nothing apparently.
C)The fact that the Blogger page is in Chinese here, so don't understand any of it.
D)The fact that I know no HTML and cannot figure out how to post pictures of a nice size.
E)Laziness (So good they named it twice)
F)A complete unwillingness to comment on anything of substance lest it reveal how ignorant I am on all fronts.
G)The feeling that I should be working, even when I have no work to do, so writing a blog during office hours will be probably accompanied by all the many and varied types of guilt I go through as I sit at my desk doing nothing, for the vast majority of the day.
H)A complete unwillingness to give the industurial military complex anything other than a false and cursory look at my brilliance, lest they deduce my geniosity, attempt to abduct me and force me to orchestrate their plan to bioengeneer a thousand Flying Monkeys and send them into Iraq to swoop down at the head of the enemies of Freedom, cackling and knocking their fez's off and thus scare them into ending the conflict as well as making some evil Iraqi's poop themselves, much to the amusement of the onlooking fifteen year old American soldiers.
I)A real need to write extremely long Blog entries, I love to write and when I get going I find it very hard to stop. Ie: This supposedly short entry.
J)My Busy Life! I'm far too involved in other projects to even consider writing this at home, because I never go home! I'm out all the time! Tonight, for example, I'm going down to get a haircut and play Ultimate Frisbee in Victoria Park, Tomorrow it's the movies! Friday I'm off to Muay Thai Boxing extravaganza!
K)The fact that I know, no matter how much time I put into this, my mum is the only one who's going to comment with regularity and thus reassure me that people are actually reading this. Not that I have any problem with writing a blog solely for my mum (Love You Mum!) but I talk to her pretty regularily over the phone which is a much more time-efficient method of communication, blogs are for twats with too much time on their hands. Like me. And you who are reading it. Twats, all.
L)My laziness. So Lazy!
R)The fact that I don't know my alphabet very well.
M)The fact that I suspect that sometime in the near future, our blogs will be used as techno-evidence in our light-speed space-trials to prove we are Godless Athiest Communists Pinkos who deserve Excommunication, from our bodies.
N)The fact that no matter how hard I try, the internet is still twinged with neredery for me. This may amuse some of you who already consider me a nerd, but this is not the case. I am a geek and proud of it. Nerds suck.
O)The fact that I hate people who make arbitrary classificatory differences such as between "Nerd" and "Geek" and that regardless of what they say they are plainly just a "Twat" and this blog thing does this to me.
P)The fact that after a while, I get bored of trying to maintain an hialrios joke because frankly, I have better things to be doing.
Z) The way the End is NeverEnding!

The end.


Or is it?

[Queue hand picking up Ming's Ring and a voice Laughing Maniacally]