Elaine.

I found out on Saturday that Elaine, one of the two staff writers from BC magazine where I used to work, tragically committed suicide last Friday.

When I heard, I really didn't know what to do, I didn't know what to say, I didn't know how I felt other than I knew I felt insensibly bad. Since then, thinking about it I have to admit that I didn't know Elaine terribly well, we worked together in an office where we never really talked, but sometimes, even all you have with another person is a shared awareness that you're both alive, that they will share in part of your own life's memory and as such the death of that person is inexpressibly tragic, woefully all encompassing, personally devastating.

It's funny, now that I want to try and describe her I find I can't, or maybe it's that I don't want to try because now that she's not here to disprove my inevitably innacurate description of her, my insipid simplification of her life, I don't want to confine her to words like "a good person" and "sweet" because they're not who she was. She was so much more than that. She was a living, breathing person with all the millions of unique traits both good and bad that we all have and that's the tragedy, the world is a little less special now that she's gone. It's selfish for the rest of us who are still here and who knew her, but we can't help it, I know I can't. I miss her. Even though I didn't know her very well.

It's funny, for the most part we really do live in a culture of denial when it comes to death. Anti-aging this and plastic Beyonce that, death is really not something that we like to acknowledge. It's just something we genuinely wish wasn't there at all and the denial is so huge that it dwarves any ability on our part to compare it to something in our lives that we understand, something ordinary. Death, it seems, is an emotional trigger we can't stand being pulled.

Our denial is mostly made easy by the fact that for the most part, all the people who are reading this, ie. people with computers, treat death as a rather unnatural part of their lives because the seldom experience it in others and never in themselves and when it does happen to others it's usually to people that you can kind of tell are going to die. So, when we are confronted with sudden death, the very rapidity of it means that it's something that we can't ignore because the absence of that person, combined with the total lack of solid dependable knowledge as to what has really happened to them means that we are confronted by a reality much realer than the one we've been living in. We find ourselves stumped as to how to deal with this new reality, we wish that we could go back to living in the old one because it was a lot less complicated and it didn't hurt as much. Death brings desperation. In response to this problem some turn to religion, others to addiction, many just shut down from the all encompassing nature of the pain, living for the rest of their lives in quiet, unassailable agony. I wonder, is there another option?

I am one of the luckier ones in that with regards to Elaine's death, I was on the emotional periphery because I didn't know her very well. Sadly enough, I can deal with it, apparently this event is not large enough for me to really learn anything really real about death. My sadness aside I can fall back into my life and this merely ends the chapter marked "Elaine" in my head, in the story of my life. I think the real tragedy of suicide is for the people who are closer to the dead, those who cannot escape or evade the pain. Elaine impacted on many people throughout her life, more than she knew, more than any of us knew.

The saddest thing of all is that if suicides knew how many people will genuinely miss them after they are gone, they'd probably never do it in the first place..

Written this morning in work "Jesus II - Payback Time!"

VO
Two thousand years ago the world was changed forever when our lord God sent his only son to Earth to die for our sins. Jesus Christ, the Prince of Peace sacrificed himself so that we, the filthy sinners of the world, could be forgiven for all time. Since then many bad and evil things have happened, World Wars, Plagues, The Spice Girls, Terrorism. Looking around the world today you could be forgiven for thinking that the Dark Lord Satan has won the war for Earth’s soul, but you would be wrong. It’s not a question of if Jesus is coming back; it’s just a question of when. It’s not a question of why Jesus takes all Satan’s evil, it’s a question of just how much he can take, and what will it be that pushes Jesus over the edge of heaven and back down to Earth.

EXT – The United Nations Building in New York City-New York, it is a busy and baking hot day in New York. SAIED, a confident and good looking looking young Arab man walks towards the building carrying a rucksack, you can tell he’s an Arab because he’s wearing a turban, has a long beard and robes and is continually muttering “Allah U Ackbar” in an Oxford accent under his breath every couple of seconds. He meets another obviously Arabic man with a massive beard in front of the fountain JAFFAR who is holding a briefcase

SAIED
Greetings Jaffar, is it not a fine day to bring the fiery wrath of god to the infidels?

JAFFAR
Indeed Saied, today the whole world shall know that there is but one god and Allah is his name.

SAIED
Is everything in place?

JAFFAR
It is brother.

SAIED
So, sha..

His is interrupted by a man dressed in a shirt and tie wearing a badge that identifies him as a Mormon

MORMON [Loud and friendly]
Hello there gentlemen, my name is Elder Johnson from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints! Have you heard the good work about Jesus Christ?

SAIED [Maliciously]
Hey, why don’t you go fuck yourself?


MORMON
Well, there’s no need for that, I’m just trying to save your eternal souls.

JAFFAR
Well go save somewhere else you diseased patch of camel urine!

The MORMON walks away, shaking his head, he immediately accosts a pair of suited types with the same schpiel as they pass by.

SAIED
God, I hate the fucking Mormons.

JAFFAR
Yeah, the fucking bastards they’re always calling to the apartment during dinner, really pisses my second wife off. If it was up to me they’d all roast in fiery pits for eternity.

SAIED
Anyway, shall we do this thing?

JAFFAR
Indeed. Let’s get our bomb on.

SAIED and JAFFAR walk towards the back of the building.
CUT to EXT an unguarded service entrance where a shuttered grate has been left open to allow a nearby truck to unload it’s cargo of coffee beans and fresh tomatoes. They sidle up the truck, grab sacks and enter the building unnoticed amongst the workers.

Cut To INT Security office – A security camera screen clearly shows the two men entering the building, but MOHAMMAD THE SECURITY GUARD at the desk is also of Arabic extraction, you can tell this because he is wearing full Arabic robes, a turban has a long black beard and a little badge that says
“Security – Mohommad Smith”

SECURITY GUARD [Whispering to himself]
Allah U Akbar Saied! Allah U Ackbar Jaffar!

CUT TO INT Un Building – SAEID and JAFFAR are standing amongst a tour group consisting of an OLD MAN FROM TEXAS, a few young people and a group of small Catholic school children including a cute little blond girl called JENNY who are being chaperoned by FATHER MCGETTIGAN, an old Irish priest who looks as if he might have a drinking problem. The attractive female TOUR GUIDE is standing by to lead them through different areas of interest.

TOUR GUIDE
Now, if you’d like to move along, we’ll start the tour.

JENNY
Father?


FATHER MCGETTIGAN
Yes Jenny?

JENNY
Billy Batson just asked me if he could touch my heiny but I said no cause Jesus says heiny touching before marriage is evil.

FATHER MCGETTIGAN [shouting]
Indeed it is. Well Jenny, if that’s that case don’t you worry because then Billy is going STRAIGHT TO HELL!! Aren’t you Billy? Where you will be forced to eat liquid hot lava for all of time and burn in everlasting turmoil and torment, right Billy?

BILLY [Quietly, looking like he’s about to cry]
Yes father.

FATHER MCGETTIGAN [Shouting]
That’s right, now all of you little bloodsucking cretins, come on! There’re millions of starving black babies right now in Africa who aren’t as lucky as ye who are getting to swan about on school trips to the United Nation s Building!

The tour Group begins to walk through the building

TOUR GUIDE
The United Nations headquarters building was constructed in New York City in 1949 and 1950 beside the East River on land purchased by an 8.5 million dollar donation from John D. Rockefeller, Jr. The building, which consists of

Whilst the speech is going on, JAFFAR is reaching into his briefcase and subtly assembling a submachine gun under his robes. The gun is completed as they reach a small room with only one entrance which has a number of posters that are relevant to the building’s history. He looks over at SAIED and nods, as soon as SAIED nods back JAFFAR grabs the TOUR GUIDE and points the fully assembled MP5 Hechler and Koch at her head. SAIED pulls out a massive Mini-Gun that he had secreted under his voluminous robes and points it directly at the children

JAFFAR
No body fucking move!

The room erupts, all the children are going crazy and trying to run away. The TOUR GUIDE is going absolutely hysterical. JAFFAR and SAIED are trying to keep the whole group together by pushing them together and screaming mindlessly in Arabic but somehow JENNY manages to break away and make a run for the door, she is about to make it when suddenly MOHAMMED THE SECURITY GUARD appears in the door with what looks like a Scud missile launcher.

MOHAMMED THE SECURITY GUARD
And where do you think you are you going little girl?

JENNY
AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

MOHAMMED THE SECURITY GUARD pushes JENNY back into the room and closes the door behind him, locking it with a key from his belt. He walks towards the still crazy crowd.

MOHAMMED THE SECURITY GUARD [Screaming]
Shut up!!

MOHAMMED THE SECURITY GUARD points the Scud launcher at JENNY and the room quietens down. Once they are calm, SAIED pushes Jenny back into the crowd

MOHAMMED THE SECURITY GUARD
Having trouble Saied?

SAIED
Don’t give me any of that backtalk! Is everything on schedule?

MOHAMMED THE SECURITY GUARD
Yes, Thank Allah for equal opportunity employers. Stupid Christians won’t know what hit them. By now videotapes have been given to all the major news networks explaining what we do here today.

JAFFAR
Shall I set the explosives?

SAIED
Yes Jaffar.

JAFFAR pushes the petrified TOUR GUIDE back into the mass of people and walks over to a certain wall, pulls off the posters and opens his briefcase which is full of explosives, he begins setting them up. Meanwhil,the OLD MAN FROM TEXAS and FATHER MCGETTIGAN are having a heated whispered debate.

OLD MAN FROM TEXAS [Whispering]
I’m telling you father, I’m not going out without a fight.

FATHER MCGETTIGAN [Whispering]
But what can you do?

OLD MAN FROM TEXAS [Whispering]
I can take them down.

OLD MAN FROM TEXAS surreptitiously pulls out a small knife from his boot and puts it up his sleeve.

OLD MAN FROM TEXAS [Whispering]
I’m a cop. I know what to do.

FATHER MCGETTIGAN [Whispering]
But there are three of them, they might hurt the children!

OLD MAN FROM TEXAS [Whispering]
I can get them.

SAIED [SHOUTING]
You two! Come here!

OLD MAN FROM TEXAS and FATHER MCGETTIGAN look at each other and then walk out.

SAIED
You were talking?

FATHER MCGETTIGAN
No

SAIED
It wasn’t a question.

SAIED shoots OLD MAN FROM TEXAS in the face, he falls back and hits the ground, everyone screams.

SAIED
No talking.

CUT TO – EXT An infinite cloud of purest white, in the middle there is a hole through which the hostage room can be seen. As OLD MAN FROM TEXAS is shot a beautiful, soft and gentle voice can be heard to say

VO
NO!

CUT TO – INT Hostage room – SAIED is now pointing his gun at FATHER MCGETTTIGAN, the room is in pandemonium.

SAIED [Shouting]
SHUT UP!!

The room quietens down.

SAIED
You [points at FATHER MCGETTIGAN] you are a Christian priest yes?

FATHER MCGETTIGAN
I am.

SAIED
And what do you think of what we are doing?

FATHER MCGETTIGAN
I think it is an abomination before God.

SAIED [laughing]
That is very funny, because I think it is God’s Will and since there is no God but Allah, surely you are wrong?

FATHER MCGETTIGAN
There is one true God and Jesus Christ was his son.

SAIED
Well, that’s a good point, I too am a priest and since I represent the Will of God if I were to say, shoot this girl here in the head to teach you not to talk, what would you say?

SAIED points his mini-gun at JENNY who cowers in fear. SAID starts the barrel of his gun spinning. JAFFAR and MOHAMMAD THE SECURITY GUARD look on with sniggering laughter.

CUT TO – EXT An infinite cloud of purest white

VO [very strongly]
NO! This is it, I can watch no longer my children suffer, now is the time for action!

CUT TO – INT Hostage room,

SAIED [Shouting]
You! [pointing at Jenny] Come here!

FATHER MCGETTIGAN [Shouting]
No Jenny! You stay there!

SAIED
Talking again? Maybe this will teach you.

SAIED begins to fire at Jenny and into the crowd of children, he laughs maniacally as the mini-gun blazes away, the small room quickly fills with smoke from the gun’s cordite until the children are obscured. Screams are heard under the whine of the gun’s motor. Eventually SAIED stops firing, but keeps laughing. FATHER MCGETTIGAN falls to his knees in abject despair, crying and sobbing. SAIED’s face is maniacal as he turns to FATHER MCGETTIGAN and starts the gun spinning again.

SAIED
The lesson is over.

Suddenly, magically, the room clears of smoke and the children are revealed to all be standing there, not knowing what has happened. On the ground about three feet in front of them there are thousands of bullets and there is also a man with long brown hair and a short brown beard. He is wearing a pure white robe.

JESUS CHRIST
No, the lesson is just beginning.

SAIED is absolutely shocked, JAFFAR and MOHAMMAD THE SECURITY GUARD are lying dead on the ground. FATHER MCGETTIGAN looks up at SAIED and smiles. JESUS CHRIST waves and SAIED is suddenly totally frozen in a stance of absoulte terror, only his eyes are moving.

JESUS CHRIST
Enjoy the eternally tormenting lava, tell Satan I’ll see him soon.

JESUS CHRIST waves his hand again and SAIED bursts into flames, he writhes in agony as the flames consume his body. Eventually he stops moving and the ashes turn into a disgusting blood coloured goo, as do the bodies of JAFFAR and MOHAMMAD THE SECURITY GUARD

FATHER MCGETTIGAN
My Lord? You’re back?

JESUS CHRIST
Yes I’m back, and now it’s Payback time.

One part of every sentence here is a lie. Guess which!

Two weeks ago I went through a Machiavellian plan to secretly surprise my family by coming home for my brother’s birthday but they were still to be unaware of my other, more savage secret, that since moving to Hong Kong I had joined the CIA as the international assassin and part-time spam-monger Fanciful D Delphiniu!


I surprised my brother on the morning of his birthday by lying my way into his flat but once I had pushed past the third naked male prostitute dressed in a sexy Klingon outfit I realised that I was not the only one in our family who had secrets.


Later that day, I surprised the rest of my family at a restaurant which was lovely because my mother cried, of course I was unaware that she was crying because she realised that she’d have to pay for my dinner.

For the next few days, I mostly spent my time in Wicklow, playing computer games, talking to my mum, enjoying the fresh air and killing would-be Israeli assassins.


Later that week I attended Charlie Slevin’s Pirate-Themed 21st Birthday in Mayo which was totally not full of Charlie’s rough attempts to put his “pork sword” in everyone’s ear while they slept.


I saw all the guys I hadn’t seen in a while, Mano, Eddie, Dave Wall, Johnny Illan, Skec, Ben Ullman which was great.


Once home again, my friend Paul came over from Hong Kong for two days for some drinking, some chatting and to keep me up to date on an upcoming job in Russia regarding a certain corrupt Irish TD who needed “retirement”

For the next few days I wasn’t looking forward to leaving Ireland, my family and paying six euro for a watered down pint of piss.

Of course the day eventually came, I said goodbye to my loved ones, said goodbye to my father, hugged my older brother and my younger sister, kissed my girlfriend, garrotted my traitorous informant for not telling me about the second kill-team in Bangladesh.

When I was on the plane on the way back to Hong Kong I was sitting next to this guy, an Arab guy.

He claimed he was a police officer in Hong Kong, soon to join the Police Tactical Unit we had a nice conversation but thanks to my extensive CIA training I noticed that he kept drawing in a scrapbook which featured large pictures of what seemed to be exploding planes full of dying, screaming white people, one of which looked just like me.


He was very interested in my lifestyle in Hong Kong but I think he was somewhat put off by the fact that I kept openly readjusting the Glock 45 in my Leg Holster so that it pointed in his direction.

When the food service arrived he seemed to be unable to make the decision between the chicken and the beef lasagne, but it didn’t matter which he chose as I had poisoned both.

Later he slept for most of the journey, the poison was a fast acting neural toxin that gradually paralysed his breathing making it look like deep vein thrombosis.

I didn’t sleep as I wanted to try and normalise my sleep patterns as quickly as possible, plus I didn’t know if there were any more terrorists on the plane.

Landing in Hong Kong I was glad to be back but I had extremely mixed feelings, I missed Ireland, I missed my family, I missed my girlfriend, I missed my target when a stupid fucking bodyguard got in the way.

Now that I’m back, I’m back working away in advertising; good cover stories are hard to come by.

Ass Piracy on the Extremely High Seas

Bueno
Originally uploaded by buen0.

Whilst back, I went to Charlie Slevin's 21st birthday party, I think this is the photo of the evening.

Well done Bueno! Two Gold stars!